UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT

Funny how even the Bible does say, "offence will surely come". What that tells me is that no matter how compatible or in sync we are with one another, we will of a certainty (bank on it), offend each other every now and then. Some, more often than others.

I like to look at it this way, conflict is just the rousing of a converation that's difficult to have.

Two parties disagree on a matter and an altercation ( some measure of degrees between subtle on one end, and violent on the other ) has arisen because of it. We therefore consider that point of disagreement, that fulcrum, a conflict.

Now, depending on how mature or sensible either party is willing to be, such a conflict can maybe escalate, or simmer to embers until it even dissipates altogether. In some delicious cases, both parties become the better for it; all because they were finally able to table those difficult matters, and start those conversations.

The challenge then is how do we bring up those difficult topics? How on earth do we wade through the conflict we sometimes know is brewing, without escalating it?

How do we make our voices heard and not cower or be intimidated from speaking out, where it's biting us?

How?

First, let's understand the root causes of conflict, shall we? According to mainstream media, common causes of conflict include;

1) Communication Breakdown: In marriage for instance, when a couple begins to do their own individual things, keeping away from each orher for very long hours, and not making the conscious effort to connect every now and then, it's only a matter of time before they'll experience a breakdown in communication. It's just as each person is growing in their different experiences, without coming together to synergize. Before you know it, they're speaking alien to each other. Indeed, people do grow apart. So, if we must do life close together, we must make the effort to relate or there's a high likelihood that a growing apart will occur.

Fine, it doesn't happen all the time but it sure is a chance you shouldn't take casually ( if you can help it ), and the relationship is important to you.

Even in work environments, there has to be communication back and forth in order to foster understanding, and to effectively work towards common goals.

2 ) Resource Scarcity/Finance: Who doesn't know that money is one famed reason for conflict in marriage for instance? You can call it resource management (or mismanagement as the case may be). The question of "how much do we require?", "who should provide it?", etc, all beg for a serious round table, honest discussion. The reason unmarried couples are often advised to get these conversations going during courtship, rather than spending precious time just having dinner at lush restaurants and listening to music, with no meaningful conversations.

3) Differing Values or Beliefs: Individuals with different cultural, religious, or ethical beliefs, usually clash when their values are at odds. Another reason why it's important to get talking, one way or another. This will help reduce conflict in the future as you find out for yourself (through conversation) and meaningful interactions, who the person you're dealing with truly is. You can then decide if you can or cannot live with them. And if you find that you can, you begin to craft ways to minimize conflict with them.

4) Personality Clashes: Quite similar to Differing Values since personality also helps inform our values, conflict often arises when people with differing personalities come together, of they don't know how to manage their individual selves and the other party's strengths and weaknesses in a complementary, rather than competing, or conflicting manner.

5) Unclear Expectations: Ambiguity in roles, responsibilities, or expectations can lead to confusion and conflict. In marriage for instance, people usually come in with different sabotaging expectations; sabotaging because they didn't realize how unfair those expectations would be to the other party.

Even in regular friendships, sometimes, people expect a little too much from others. This definitely has a strong potential for conflict.

Now we see some of the regular causes of conflict in relationships big or small; whether it's two friends, a married couple, work mates or teams for that matter, large collaborating organizations, countries in alliance, etc.

Next, we look into how to go about resolving conflict; again from a micro unit stand point that can be expanded to deal with bigger turfs.

Do stay tuned......