Depression

Depression is real, it’s dark and its dangerous. My experience of it was growing up with a high functioning majorly depressed mother. I often rolled my eyeballs and may, to some degree, have judged her for not being “strong enough” not to deal with her mind.

I’d had some tough teen years and while I was prescribed antidepressants by a specialist, I thought I had a grip on my thoughts and emotions, so I didn’t bother. I don’t think I was depressed but going through a challenging time.

I did hit rock bottom when moving to a new country, after recently delivering my second child through a complicated pregnancy and delivery, and learning that my first born was having some developmental challenges. After coming out of that episode, I retrospectively realised I had gone through a prolonged period of depression and never even knew it. But God showed Himself to me, I was baptised and it was the beginning of new life with Christ.

A few months back I experienced a depression like none other. This time it was pretty severe. I was tired but couldn’t sleep, I had no appetite and didn’t feel like eating. I was wasting away. I would have a feeling of death consume me, my thoughts and my dreams and I didn’t know what to do about them.

All the while, I was praying against demonic oppression. Until one day I was writing up a course about depression and as I was typing out each symptom, I realised I had everyone. I realised I was depressed. But this time, unlike the past, death and dread were consuming my mind and thoughts.

When I met Jesus, really met him, he took me on journey of healing and freedom from my past. I’m a regular church attendee, I’m involved with several ministries, I have the most wonderful husband and I’m in a relatively good place with my children, but I was depressed, and I couldn’t figure out why. I was praying against Satan when my problem was in my mind.

Now any therapist would get you to look inside yourself, go back to sometime in your childhood, make you relive traumatic experiences and I believe that works for some people, but I wasn’t sure that was for me. I did consider seeking professional help, but I decided to pray about that first. I was sitting one day in the lifegroup that I lead. For a while I had been looking drained and lifeless, and my group had been praying for restored energy. Apart from this, I would always be strong and available for my girls because I was their leader and they generally needed me to be strong. But the Holy Spirit laid it on my heart to ask them for help, and I obeyed. I told them everything I was feeling and they prayed, they prayed hard for me and they prayed what was needed to break the depression.

Hebrews 10: 24-25

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

It didn’t happen immediately, but I truly believe that owning my condition, choosing to be vulnerable with those I’m connected to and allowing God to use fellowship is what healed me.

Apart from my husband and lifegroup, no one knew what I was going through. My good friend who I hadn’t spoken to in over 6 months reached out to me and my darling sister-in-law who I had neglected for the longest time, granted that we’re oceans apart, both came to my aid. The Holy Spirit knew exactly that it was their words I needed to hear. I had been wasting my energy trying to figure out ‘WHY’, but my friend gave me the most liberating advice. She said,

‘I know depression, I don’t know how long this is going to be, I just remember being depressed for 2 years and waking up one day and not being depressed any more. I can’t tell you what to do because I don’t know why and how it happened but I’m here for you.’ She and my sister gave me the best first steps to take. To eat, take my vitamins, exercise if I was able to and that they were there for me. Something in what they said switched something off in my over thinking, over analysing brain. I didn’t need to know ‘WHY’ I was depressed, just that I was. I didn’t need to look inwards, but upwards. I would wake up one day and not be depressed. I did think of the inconvenience of being depressed indefinitely but I had hope.

Mark 10:52

“Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

All this happened within a week. At this point I couldn’t pray; I couldn’t read my bible. So, a day later, I ate, took my vitamins, and an hour’s long walk, listening to worship music and balling my eyes out. On the next day I was able to open the pages of my favourite book, and I turned to psalms. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read psalms, front to back, back to front, in 2s, in 5s, this time I read the first of each 10. That is, psalm 1, then psalm 11, psalm 21, psalm 31 etc, and for each 1 God was speaking to me. The next day I woke up and the depression was gone!! What a faithful God we serve. Looking back my depression had started more than 4 months prior and from the day of realising I was, it had taken 9 days to recover. What a miracle.

Mark 9:23

“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”

Being in denial is dangerous and harmful. Admitting and accepting I was depressed was very important in my healing. This gave God the opportunity to deal with what was really going on. Sometimes we need to take responsibility for ourselves.

James 5:16

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

It is not a sin to be ill or have mental illness, but the habit of opening up and being vulnerable with the things that trouble us, sin or sickness allows for healing.

I had to trust my community in Christ. Sometimes it won’t be the people we think or might even want, but He will send them, and we need to trust them. We must ask in order to receive.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.

We need to listen and obey, God, the Holy spirit and those who have sound advice for us. Being stubborn and rebellious will harm us.

Proverbs 10:17

Whoever heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.

The posture of upward and outward is what saved me, not one that is inward.

Psalm 116:2

Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I shall call upon Him as long as I live.