Wholeness of Mind and the Marriage Relationship
In my many years of counselling intending and married couples, it has been interesting to see the connection between peoples’ state of mind and how they conduct themselves in relationships.
I have often taught premaritals that it takes two people who are whole as singles to come together to make a good marriage. Any unidentified or unaddressed brokenness with either party has the potential to create problems in marriage.
What does it mean to be whole? What would immediately come to mind is state of perfection where everything is perfect and nothing could be wrong. But we all know that human beings are not perfect. We are all flawed in one way or the other. Therefore, to be whole cannot mean perfection.
In fact, I found a definition by Laurence Freeman, 71-year-old Catholic priest, a Benedictine monk and Director of the World Community for Christian Meditation that says, “Wholeness is our capacity to experience health as transcending all limitations while accepting them, overcoming this virus of perfectionism which keeps us locked into an imaginary world rather than the real world...it is paradoxically in accepting (limitations) that we can transcend them”. It has nothing to do with perfection.
“Wholeness of mind”, in my definition, “comes from the place of congruence of a person’s values, belief systems, his or her level of self- awareness and acceptance, ability to understand and manage emotions, understanding of strengths, weaknesses, skills, capacities and a commitment to living life being guided by these”.
It does not mean people described as whole are perfect, but they live life intentionally. In other words, they have taken the time to self-analyse, discover and come to terms with who they are and develop the values they live by. Their belief systems are clearly defined. They are not confused. They are comfortable in their own skin and unapologetic for who they are.
I discover when two such people come together, they tend to be more accepting, less judgemental and demanding. They are basically more mature and are better at managing differences.
That means, people enjoy being around these type of people. Anyone in relationship with a whole person is not likely to feel threatened or pressured. Instead, they will feel motivated to live life to the full.
They are emotionally intelligent. They manage their emotions well. They have no issues with showing their emotions. So they are comfortable and in fact expect people around them to show their emotions as well. In relationships, their partners are never in doubt as to how they feel towards them. They will show it and be verbal about it. That helps to build trust and openness between couples.
They tend to be better at spotting red flags in relationships. They are also more likely to do something about the red flags than just wish them away. That includes walking away if they need to.
Does this mean they are never anxious or have no worries? I don’t think so. However, they are better at managing their anxieties and worries because they recognise when they have these negative feelings. They pull back to congruence quickly.
I like this definition of wholeness by Brené Brown (2010) which defines it as “wholehearted living” and states that it “is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough…Wholehearted living is not a one-time choice. It is a process.”
I think of wholeness as a life journey, a way of life, a spectrum, which starts the day we make up our minds to walk in it. Which means that wholeness of mind can be learnt. People can decide to build themselves up to get to the place of wholeness. It does not happen overnight, it takes time, but you will see the progress you are making as you go along that spectrum I referred to. Here are my thoughts on how to build wholeness in our lives:
Begin to see yourself as who you truly are……. made in the image and likeness of God. You are special in your own way. You matter in the equation of life. You are not perfect but you are still valuable. You are a diamond. Fearfully and wonderfully made.
2. Give yourself time to discover the depth of the diamond you are. Ask yourself questions and come up with answers. What do I want from life? What do I need to get there? Do I have what I need? If not, how do I get them? What are the things about life that excite me? What are the things I cannot stand? What are my strengths and weaknesses? Give yourself time to answer these questions. There may be more.
3. Define your core values. What are the rules that you live life by? Clearly define them and hold yourself accountable to them.
4. What is your belief system like? Do you believe in God? I definitely think this is a very important aspect of being whole. For me, my faith in Christ is the essence of the wholeness in my life. The more closely I walk to it, the more wholeness I experience. It has helped me answer a lot of my self-discovery questions. I highly recommend it.
5. Start to live life more selflessly. Do things that are not about you. Join to fight cause. Support people in need in an area that you can. Volunteer work is great. It gives one a sense of purpose and so much oy and peace.
6. Wholeness of mind connotes calmness. Be sensitive to those time when you feel agitated or stressed and walk your way back to the place of calmness.
7. Feel free to laugh, hug, shout out loud, smile, cry etc. be honest about your emotions. Allow yourself to feel them. However, don’t allow your life to be totally led by them. They can be fleeting and unreliable, especially in relationships. Know when to step on the emotional brakes.
8. Adjust your lifestyle to walk in your new discoveries. As you ask those questions, begin to walk in newness of life as you come up with answers. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn back to old mind-sets, belief systems and values that do not auger well for where you would like to be.
9. Be easy on yourself. Don’t cage yourself with the pressures life throws at you. When you make mistakes, step back and start again. Don’t judge yourself too harshly. Get a lot of exercise and enough sleep.
10. If you are struggling to make the necessary connects in your mind, you can get the help of a counsellor or therapist to walk this journey with you.
When two whole people come together in marriage, it is much sweeter. The chances of success are much higher. They are more capable of giving the required commitment for success. Even in their disagreements, they are more likely to come up with win-win resolution of issues, primarily because they have no points to prove, are not in a contest and are basically easy going people. They will also raise wholesome children.
Wholesome people are generally more mature and handle life issues better. In marriage, they are just as pragmatic. Where there is a lot of brokenness as against wholeness, the opposite is the case. Any little thing can become the reason for dysfunction in the relationship. I am bold to say that most marital issues are borne in the place of brokenness of one party or both. If the brokenness can be fixed, many marriages will survive. The statistics are very frightening but can be reversed if couples will just try to get back to wholeness.
